Michael’s 8th Avenue
Glen Burnie, MD
January 29th, 2004
ROH World Champion: Samoa Joe (Since 3/22/2002 - 10 Defenses)
ROH Tag Team Champions: The Briscoes (Since 11/1/2003 - 4 Defenses)
Backstage to start the show, GMC greets J Train and we see Homicide is sitting in trance. GMC introduces ROH’s newest backstage correspondent, SUGAR SEAN PRICE. Okay. Price & J Train dap each other up, and Price tries to greet Homicide but Homicide doesn’t move. J Train says he’s marinating and serenading. Homicide says tonight feels like his biggest match in ROH yet and he can’t focus. GMC asks J Train what’s up and J Train says he’s lost.
Out in the ring, Samoa Joe welcomes us to another edition of Samoa Joe’s Ring. He says that he normally demonstrates technique here in this ring, however tonight, Jim Cornette is back in ROH to manage his boys the Briscoes against himself and his new partner, Jerry Lynn (UGH). You see, Cornette crossed him and thought he had it all figured out, but Joe put him out. He was supposed to be in Ohio a few weeks back, but he didn't make it. Maybe he was afraid. People ask what type of a thing he could do to make someone not show up for a show. He could have hit him, punched him, knocked him out, but that's too easy. He stretches out the young boy in the ring and asks Jim if this looks familiar. This is what he did to him, and tonight, the ROH WORLD Champion walks in and walks out a double champion. The Briscoes got their bullets back, time to see if they can use 'em. He is Samoa Joe. And he is pro wrestling.
Elsewhere, Maff and Whitmer are arguing over what happened at the last show and Allison Danger is trying to maintain peace. Danger says Christopher Daniels left her with a plan, and they need to concentrate on one of them becoming the #1 Contender tonight. One of them needs to get it, so they need to work as a team, and then one of them will get it. Danger says people might think the loss of their leader has devastated them and kept them from going on, but they will persevere. Maff says they've taken this pain and turned into hatred. Every minute Chris isn't here just makes it worse.
Match #1: John Walters vs. Chad Collyer [Pure Tournament Qualifier]
God damn man, I am so tired of these dudes and Stryker. This match just simply exists. There’s no story, there’s no focus, there’s nothing going on but dudes throwing holds. No reason for anything. So I don’t give a shit. They run out of the allotted amount of rope breaks a Pure Rules match has, so in the finish, Walters puts Collyer in a Liontamer through the ropes, like a reverse tarantula almost, and since the ropes can’t cause a break, Collyer taps.
**
In a pretape, Christopher Daniels cuts a promo at home, with his sleeping baby held to his chest. He says instead of being there, he's here recuperating from a neck injury. It would be easy to blame CM Punk for this, but this is just as much on him for thinking the Second City Saints would be as easy to eliminate as Steve Corino and The Group. That one shot would be all it would take. He underestimated CM Punk's tenacity, and pays for that now. So he's at home taking care of his newborn daughter instead. The more time he spends with her, the more that he realizes what a petulant little child CM Punk is. The Saints can't have their way in ROH, and every road they want to take is blocked by the Prophecy, so they throw a tantrum and try to crush them. The Prophecy has a clear agenda in Maryland though, and either BJ or Maff will become the #1 Contender. And when he returns from this, CM Punk will see a side of him that his daughter will never see. And that’s not just a promise. That is the gospel, according to the word of the Fallen Angel.
Match #2: Chris Sabin vs. Jack Evans vs. Caprice Coleman vs. Hydro vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Slyk Wagner Brown
This isn’t bad but not as fun as I thought it was going to be. I’m normally a big dumb sucker for the ROH multi man spotfests but this just wasn’t clicking for me for whatever reason. Brown was inoffensive and the other four did quite well. Evans especially stuck out with some sick bumps and his usual acrobatic maneuvers. This was Sabin’s match though. He just has way more presence than anyone else in the match at this point although Hydro (Jay Lethal) is really coming along well already. A lot of near breakout talents in this match which is cool. Sabin wins with the CRADLE. SHOCK. DRIVER. on Hydro.
**1/2
Colt Cabana comes out to the ring for the very first live edition of GOOD TIMES, GREAT MEMORIES. Look, maybe there’s something in me that hurts these bits. Maybe it’s that I’m much older now. Maybe it’s that I haven’t posted on a message board in well over a decade. Maybe it’s what happened with the Punk/AEW stuff. I don’t know. But like 90% of Cabana’s humor on these ROH shows is the bargain bin worst type of comedy. He plays the bit of big dumb deer in headlights with shit like “whats the deal with babyfaces? Are they babies?” And nerds in the crowd just eat it up. Different time, I guess. I honestly cant say truthfully I would’ve 100% been into this schtick back then or not. It’s 20 years ago.
But anyway, he powers through some really bad stand up before welcoming out his guests, Dunn & Marcos. They do their schtick now too. Colt then rags on them for being a shitty team and lists off a bunch of great teams like the ‘85 Bears or the Ghostbusters. Then suddenly, Maff & Whitmer rush out and attack Cabana from behind. They set him up for a double team move but Dunn & Marcos step in the way and start air guitaring to Twisted Sister before Maff & Whitmer kill them. Cabana uses this chance to bail to the back. They hit their pose with Allison Danger but then some dude with a mullet yells at her “YOU DYED YOUR HAIR AGAIN YOU FRAUD?!” And she got really hot about it, and that was funny to me.
Backstage, Suga Sean Price is outside of Homicide’s locker room and is still hoping for an interview before his match later on.
Match #3: The Backseat Boyz vs. Carnage Crew (Credible/Loc) vs. Special K (Izzy/Dixie) [No DQ Match]
Super fun six minute brawl between all three teams that started even before the bell rang. Wasn’t crazy about Credible being in this instead of DeVito given the story they’ve been telling specifically with DeVito’s daughter, but whatever. Special K are great stooges here that only have their real offense come on ratty shit. Backseats look the most motivated they have in a long while. Fun finish where the Crew are more focused on getting at Special K so even after they hit the Carnage Driver, Credible goes out to the floor to keep the beating going but Loc gets trapped by the Backseats who hit the T Gimmick and a quick pin to win!
***
Match #4: BJ Whitmer vs. Dan Maff vs. Matt Stryker vs. Xavier [#1 Contender’s Trophy]
In standing with tradition with this trophy, it makes no sense why this particular match is happening. This wasn’t great either so it’s double bad. Stryker is beyond awful and the crowd is finally turning on him, getting a hearty “boring” chant numerous times. Whitmer is someone who can be carried to good, solid stuff, but when he’s in there against guys like Stryker and Xavier, it brings the absolute worst out of him and automatically turns him into one of the worst wrestlers on the roster. It’s sort of like how former Philadelphia Eagle RB Boston Scott was a pretty mid tier RB, if not worse. But whenever he played the Giants? He looked like the best back in the league. Ending has a lot of basic move trading that gets the crowd back into it but it’s nothing you haven’t already seen twice on this show already. Neat ending when Maff misses a shot on Stryker and hits BJ. Maff recovers and immediately lariats Stryker but then BJ super kicks Maff, and both Whitmer and Maff fall on top of Stryker and the ref counts 3.
**
Post match, there’s some confusion but then the ref seemingly just says to hell with it and raises the hands of both Maff and Whitmer. Whatever.
In a pretape, James E. Cornette and The Briscoes cut a promo. Cornette says he's thinking about who else in the ROH he needs to get even with. First, there was The Prophecy and Christopher Daniels, who they took care of, and now it’s Samoa Joe, who left him in a hospital bed in NJ. He doesn't take what happened from a guy who's one generation removed from eating raw fish with his hands and taking a dump under a tree. Jesus Christ. So tonight, Joe and Jerry Lynn will feel the wrath of the racket and his World Tag Team Champions. And by the end, one of the Briscoes is gonna beat Joe directly, earn a shot at the World Title, and one of these boys will be a double champion. Jim asks them who's left in the tag division anyway? The Briscoes mention the Backseats, and Jim says all they can do is rip off the Midnight Express' music and should be sued for gimmick infringement. Jay says the Carnage Crew, and Jim says they're Al Bundy wannabes and last time he checked he wasn’t Christina Applegate. What? Mark names the Saints, and Cornette says he has no time for holier than thou preachers, because you need to be dirty in this business to get ahead. He says ROH needs to get some honest competition for these men who are establishing a new dynasty.
Backstage, GMC is standing by for intermission. He talks about the finish that just happened in the #1 contenders trophy match. He goes into the Prophecy’s locker room where they’re arguing. GMC says he’s here with a ruling from the ROH management. He says that based on precedence with the four corners survival match last year where Corino & Punk both pinned Daniels, ROH is siding with the referees decision that both men scored a pinfall victory tonight. So at the 2YA show next month, it’ll be Samoa Joe vs. Dan Maff vs. BJ Whitmer. And that’s where it gets dumb. GMC continues by saying in that match, Joe will NOT be defending the title. If Whitmer or Maff want to become #1 contender, they can ONLY pin or submit each other, not Joe. And if one of them pins or submits the other, they’ll earn a future world title shot. But if Joe wins, neither man is the #1 contender. Maff & Danger hate this but BJ’s okay with it and god damn man this sucks.
This is just an astoundingly bad creative decision. Gabe, for some reason, just insists on overcomplicating things for the hell of it and I don’t get why. The double pin finish is fine, but then just make it a 3 way for the title at 2YA. Like the way they have it set up now, what the fuck is the point of even having Joe in the match?! I guess you can say to avoid having any #1 contender at all, but that’s not something Samoa Joe would do or has done at all in this reign. He’s literally inserted himself into matches to try and make someone pin him so they could earn a title shot. Why the fuck would you book him like this now?!
Match #5: Alex Shelley vs. Jimmy Jacobs
This was a lot of fun! From what I’ve seen, 2004 Alex Shelley is in the conversation for being a legit top 25 guy in the world at that point. He’s great at not only the nitty gritty of structuring a match, working a body part (like the head and neck here), etc. On top of that, this match gave him a chance to start to showcase his heel theatrics a bit to audition for what’s to come later this year. Jacobs is really solid here, too. He sells the neck and head really good and gets Shelley with a few good strikes and dives to keep him off kilter. Shelley tweaks his knee on a tope and Jacobs gets a little bit of work in on that. But in pretty quick succession, Shelley gets Jacobs with a flying Knee Trembler and the Shellshock before locking in the Border City Stretch to get the submission victory. Great showcase.
***1/4
J-Train is out with Homicide for the next match, while Colt & Traci Brooks come out with Punk.
Match #6: CM Punk vs. Homicide
You know how I know both these dudes were ready for Prime Time? Because they already know how to phone in a total house show effort. Good lord. It’s not bad. I think at this point both of these two are incapable of having an outright bad match. But this is a far cry from their match roughly a year prior in West Mifflin. They are going through the motions and that is it. Basic moves and holds. No rhyme or reason. No story. Nothing. Just a wrestling match that exists to exist. So I mean if they didn’t put the thought into it I’m sure as shit not going to waste my typing here. Some near falls at the end but Homicide trucks through Punk with a big lariat for a really close near fall, and then follows with an Ace Crusher and Cop Killa to get the win.
**1/2
Post match, Maff & Whitmer run out and attack Colt on the floor, including running him shoulder first into the steel post. They get in the ring to go after a still downed Punk, BUT HOMICIDE GETS IN THEIR WAY. And he ain’t doing it to defend the Saints, no, he just hasn’t forgotten what Maff did. Homicide dares him to step up but Danger calls them both off and they leave. Punk shakes Cide’s hand for the Code and then goes to check on Cabana with Traci.
Cornette is out with the Briscoes for the main event as promised.
Match #7: The Briscoe Brothers (c) vs. Samoa Joe/Jerry Lynn [ROH Tag Team Championships]
This is alright. I guess I get it. There are people that do consider Jerry Lynn to be this great, all time wrestler (not me, never) so the logical step for Joe after failing with two other partners before is to go with someone like Lynn. The issue is, I feel like even the sick fucks who do hold Lynn up on a pedestal even wouldn’t be crazy enough to say Lynn is or was ever at the same level as AJ Styles or Bryan Danielson, then, now or before. So it falls flat. Plus, it’s not like Maryland is some special area for Jerry Lynn to where he’s going to boost ticket sales. Minnesota definitely, Philly maybe. But not fuckin’ Maryland. Match is fine. Joe starts off the same as he did the last two matches by just bombarding both Briscoes with his tank like offense. But when Lynn comes in, he fails prey early to the Briscoes team work and they start building up the hot tag from Joe. Lynn is bland as hell, just nothing really added to the match at all. At one point, he’s in a hold and some fan yells “JERRY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” and Lynn yells back “WRESTLING, WHAT THE WWF FIRED ME FOR!” and I can feel the fucking skin want to crawl off my body. Fuck you man. You’re the most bland, average dude ever who got lucky into having two above average series of matches ever with one of the best in ring dudes ever in Kid and arguably one of the best ever in some people’s eyes, RVD. And that’s it. Nothing else about your career stands out yet we’re supposed to hold you in some sort of reverence. Fuck off. ANYWAY. Joe does finally get the hot tag and all four men just start brawling, ref loses all control. Joe has Mark pinned but Cornette gets in the ring and throws the racket down when Joe goes after him. The ref gets Cornette out of the ring and JAY BRAINS JOE WITH THE RACKET AND COVERS TO WIN!
***ish
Post match, the Briscoes and Cornette get the hell out of dodge. Joe comes to and Lynn tells him what happened, SO JOE HITS THE REF WITH THE ISLAND DRIVER! And then like a fart at a picnic, Lynn adds nothing to the party when he does his shitty little Cradle Piledriver. Really hoping this is his last ROH date until the Really Bad Thing happens in 2009. But it probably won’t be.
Backstage, Joe is pacing around and annoyed when the camera asks for comment. Joe rants about what happened but says you know what fuck it. Jay pinned him, so Jay wants a title match? He’s got it. But this time: no Cornette, no rackets, no partners, no inbred brothers. Just Joe, Jay and a steel cage. He then turns his attention to the Prophecy both winning tonight in the contenders match and what the 2YA match is now, and he’s happy to end this Prophecy war once and for all. Just then, Maff & Whitmer attack Joe and lay him out.
Elsewhere, we rejoin the Prophecy later on. They’re proud they went 3 for 3 tonight and say it’s all for Daniels and they love him. They vow to get the job done at the 2YA show.
And finally, Suga Sean Price finally catches up with Homicide as hes leaving. He’s hoping for a word finally. Homicide is pissed off and says tonight may have been his last match in ROH because he doesn’t know where he’s at mentally anymore. He’s going away for a bit. He might miss one, two, three, hell, even more shows than that. But ROH is his heart and his strength. And when he comes back, he’ll rain down hell on everyone in his way. YEAH YEAH YEAH WHAT THE BLOODCLOT BABY. BBDDDDDDAT.
NEXT MONTH: THE PURE TITLE TOURNAMENT! JOE/MAFF/WHITMER!
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